Jak Siemasz

The big fat Sunday newspaper is much more exciting than it used to be, now that I am a savvy coupon shopper. Actually, I am not really good at couponing yet because I am a viciously dedicated buyer of various name brand items and unless all the coupons are for Coca Cola Classic, Heinz ketchup, Tide Original Scent, and/or Kashi cereal, then I am not getting much of a bargain. You kind of lose at the coupon game unless you are willing to hop brands like a cheap ho hops beds. Also, my love affair with Publix has enamored me of Publix brand everything, although I can’t say I am trusting of the Publix condoms because DAMN, you know? Hey, wait, wouldn’t a cheap ho actually hop, like, alleys or back seats of cars? I do not know for hos.

This was in my most recent Sunday paper.

It is never Grandpa that belongs to anyone.

I always wanted to order one of these things for my mother. It wouldn't be as funny anymore because she does have a few grandchildren (no thanks to me) but she is still not a sweet granny who would want to wear this kind of schmaltzy dud. I would personalize it with “This Mee-Maw belongs to…” and use names like “Crusher” and “Assclown” and “Cloris Leachman.” Anyway, if you look closer, you notice something unusual about this particular ad:

You choose! Crazy!

Babcia?? Thanks to Google, I now know that it means grandmother in Polish, but really? How many Polish people are around that want to buy Mee-Maw a special shirty that is mostly in English?

Surprise! It's Your Life!

If you had asked me ten years ago what I thought I would be doing in 2010, here is a brief list of what I might have said:

-Running an environmental nonprofit with my BFFs Leonardo Dicaprio and Edward Norton

-Trekking across the globe as a feature writer for National Geographic or other exciting travel mag

-Teaching indigent peoples sustainable agriculture practices in the Peace Corps

-Arguing the case for early childhood health intervention programs in front of some United Nations task force

-Finishing up my third doctoral program in the field of Saving the World and Generally Being Awesome

The list would not have included any of the following:

-Jumping all over the rump roast sale at Publix

-Bickering with the lady at the taco stand over how not fresh her tortillas are

-Poring over homeowners’ association rules and regulations regarding unkempt shrubbery

-Crawling around the hard concrete floor of a messy garage to see how the freaking ants are getting in

-Bustling around the kitchen, whipping up a nutritious dinner for some man to eat

And yet, in the past week or so, I have definitely done zero of the items on the first list and yet have done ALL the items on the second list. Some of them, several times. Ten years ago, I would have scoffed at the second list, probably in a smug, eye-rolly way. Yeah, I was THAT person. (Well, maybe I wouldn’t have scoffed at the bickering tortilla scenario. Because I have always loved tortillas and I have always been quite bickery. Even in my arrogant youth, I would have believed such of myself.)

So here I am now in my 30s, with a house in the ‘burbs and a spanking-new husband, wobbling through an existence that I never expected. Years spent renting furnished apartments, endlessly volunteering for worthy causes, single life-ing, and having meaningful conversations in coffee shops did not prepare me for this. Don’t get me wrong – I am very happy to be here.  Me = lucky girl. But I really don’t know what I am doing most of the time.